Should We Regret?
I have often been asked what I learnt from my rebellious years in my late teens and early twenties by Christians and non-Christians alike. It often starts a very interesting conversation.
There is a perspective on my rebellious years from both Christians and non-Christians that does not sit comfortably with me. Let me unpack this a little. Since I have now come back to the Lord and decided that I want to serve Him with my life, both Christian and non-Christian friends say ‘you should not regret’. This is stated, of course, after I have said that I do indeed regret some of the things that I did. The main reasons that both camps say I should not regret are as follows. The first two points are the result of predominant Western morally-liberal individualism. The other two are more common in Christian circles, but I believe have been affected in application by the first two:
1. I would not be who I am today if I didn’t ‘go through’ those things. (Christians and non-Christians)
2. I have learnt things I wouldn’t have done otherwise. (Christians and non-Christians)
3. I can now be a great witness to those in a similar position. (Christians)
4. Jesus has taken my shame, and therefore I should feel as if I am spotless like Christ. (Christians)
There are elements of truth in many of these. The problem is that they are often stated as absolutes, implying that one should not regret time away from the Lord. Often in these conversations 2 Corinthians 7:10 is brought to the table: “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret”. But the question about this verse is to do with definitions. If one believes that regret means mournful sorrow over previous actions that are still felt to affect the self image then, yes, I agree that that type of regret is not helpful nor an appropriate reaction to the truth. But if regret means thinking that if one could one would change the events of the past, but also understanding that God has forgiven the past, then I believe this type of regret is healthy.
Some have thought this understanding of ‘appropriate regret’ in relation to 2 Cor. 7 is bad theology. But the question one needs to ask is: What is the alternative? The answer that has been given to this question is that “God works all things for the good of those that love Him”, which is of course true. But should Romans 8 be used as justification that sin somehow ‘makes me who I am today’, and therefore should not be regretted? Because that is the alternative mentioned above; it means thinking of sin as somehow a part of one, as defining. Sin never develops people, though, rather God heals as a result of it, and can develop you. The sin itself should not be seen as doing this. As James 4:8-10 states:
Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Therefore I will regret the sin, but love the God who heals and teaches me.
Let me explain this in another way. You are married. But you decide to be unfaithful and separate for a few years. Later you come back to your spouse and say that you are very sorry and that you would like to work on the marriage again. Your spouse forgives you totally and accepts you back. Does that acceptance mean you think ‘because I am forgiven, I will not regret what I did because it has made the relationship what it is today’? I would be shocked if that were the case. I rather think, although the marriage may be now stronger by the grace of God, the guilty party would regret the pain that they caused the other. But they would do so in the knowledge that their spouse had completely forgiven them. They would regret, but from a position of security in the spouse’s love and forgiveness.
The purpose of this article is to articulate my thoughts on the subject as a result of numerous conversations. I’d be interested to get anyone’s thoughts on the issue.
Comments
By Jennie Pollock on 09/02/2012 at 10:49
Great thoughts, Ruth. I found the marriage analogy gave it a really helpful perspective.
I once had a conversation with a non-Christian who was willing to admit she had done wrong things in her life, but felt that she had learned from her mistakes and therefore that God wouldn’t judge her for the wrong she had done because failure is a normal part of learning and developing. God wouldn’t reject her for the wrong she’d done in the same way that a parent wouldn’t reject his child for not being able to write perfectly the first time he picked up a pen.
I was totally unprepared for that line of reasoning and, to my shame, wasn’t able to give a satisfactory answer. Her thinking was completely consistent with the message of the world, though.
Thanks for a thought-provoking article!
By Natalie Williams on 09/02/2012 at 11:37
Thanks for this article. As someone who backslid for a few years, I have often pondered this. I agree with you that I think it’s healthy to regret bad choices—and helpful in terms of learning from them and hopefully not making the same mistakes again. I think that it becomes unhealthy when one is bound by regret and seems unable to shake it off, because I think that indicates one has not fully understood the grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus.
Another related question is: has my sin changed God’s plan for my life? I sometimes wonder if some circumstances in my life would be different if I hadn’t run away from God for a while, or maybe I’d be exactly where I am today, doing what I’m doing. Sin definitely has consequences, and it sounds like a bit of a cop-out to me to say that God knew I’d sin so worked my backslidding into His plan for my life from the start. Thoughts?
By Jez on 09/02/2012 at 17:04
What a fantastic article - weirdly enough something I had planned to blog on in the near future - no need now as you’ve done a far better job than I would have.
I too have had this conversation on a number of occasions and I think your marriage analogy works excellently as it alludes to the fact that their is a relationship involved.
We are sometimes so casual about the consequences of our sin and rebellion. Jeremiah 2 gives us an insight into the raw heart beat of God, (in my opinion one of the most moving parts of the bible) here we can really see how much of an impact our rebellion has on God.
If God wasn’t fussed by our sin - if it didn’t break His heart, then he wouldn’t have given His all to rescue us.
Your marriage analogy is amazing as it reminds us that in this context there are two parties involved. It’s not just about how my backsliding and consequent repentance has affected me - what about the person I have sinned against?
And for that matter what about the people around me that my life has impacted?
And how do we know that we wouldn’t be where we are today if it hadn’t been for our backsliding? - maybe we would be in an even better place - maybe we would be walking even closer to God, engaging in an even more intimate relationship.
Excellent post!
By Ruth Preston on 11/02/2012 at 16:12
Hello, interesting comments! I haven’t got my login sorted yet (technical issues!) so my image won’t appear to the left.
@Natalie: I’m really pleased to get another backslider’s comments. And pleased that you feel similar to myself. In terms if God’s plan for our lives I turn to the story of David. After the Bathsheba incident God said that he had taken his sin, but that there would be strife in his family as a result. So if David didn’t backslide it would have prevented a lot of suffering. However, it didn’t stop God using David as a herald for the coming of JC. So it’s a odd balance. Does it affect your calling? I think if might AFFECT it, but I don’t think it would ERASE it - if that makes sense? 2 Tim 2 says ‘anyone who cleans themselves from what is dishonourable, will be useful to the master’, and that is written after referring to people who had ‘swerved from the truth’. There is hope for the returning backslider!
@Jez: thank you for your encouraging comments! I’m glad you were thinking along the same lines. I totally agree that backsliding shouldn’t be seen as a form of ‘personal development’. And yes: I agree that, perhaps, we would have been better off if we didn’t backslide (Likely in my opinion!) I also recorded a conversation I had with a non-Christian friend of mine on my blog below, discussing this very issue. And I believe I mention something in regard to - ‘who knows, I could have been in a better place had I not .......’
http://emmausattwilight.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/21/
By Sue Lyndon on 13/02/2012 at 11:03
Hi Ruth, Great article. CS Lewis says, “We’re never told what would have happend if….’ As someone who did not come to accept the truth of Christianity, and its implications for my life, until my early 20s, I, of course, have many ‘regrets’ over things I did and people I hurt. The arguement that those things have somehow made me who I am today seems very shallow. It is God’s grace who has made me who I am, in spite of my stupidity not because of it! Thanks for getting us thinking about these important areas.
Sue
By Nathan Lambert on 14/02/2012 at 15:35
Thanks for the article. Very helpful in articulating both the grace of God and our responsibility for the way we live.
@Natalie I would say that your question is a complex one. There is often this image that if we don’t follow God, he is forced to use a rubber to scrub out his plan and “redirect” us back to his goal for our life. I can’t see the Bible making any sense of a God with a rubber. He’s not affected by what we do, his perfect will and counsel stand. He is God ! That’s the kind of “panoramic view” on life that I think the Bible portrays.
Now there’s also a kind of “zoom view”, in which God is frustrated, saddened, and things happen against his will. So in that sense, in your backsliden years, and in any time I don’t walk in obedience, we are not conforming to his will.
The moment in time when this tension was most amazingly portrayed was on Calvary Hill. God couldn’t have been sadder with what was going on there, as he zoomed in on the events as isolated. And yet he couldn’t have been gladder with what was going on (panoramic view), as he contemplated the events in their salvation-historical context.
Every event on this planet, including the greatest dramas and including our own personal disobedience are not causing God to rewrite history - he doesn’t do that ! Our God is in heaven and does whatever he wills ! But in isolation, our sins, in-and-of-themselves, are against God’s will.
So I would humbly add to the conversation that, no, anything that you have done has not, will not, cannot change God’s plan for your life. And yet, as you look back at it from your own perspective, it is right and just to regret it and wish it never happened.